I feel like screaming. I feel like dying.
I'm sick of people being angry at me for not trusting them with every detail of my personal life. It is my life and it is up to me to decide what to share and what to hide deep inside where only god can reach it. That is my choice and it is I who have to live with it not those around me and yet they dig and demand and scream for me to give them those things. The things of my most intimate being. Things I do not wish to share, and yet I do. I tell for fear of their anger. Fear that if I don't I could lose them. I share not wanting sympathy not wanting hugs just hoping my friend will remain. I spill my heart out and in return the sympathy is large and yet unwanted. Things change and life moves on. Things happen and I hide them inside once again knowing that nothing will come from sharing them. Telling a friend. or even screaming them out to the world. I hide them deep in my soul they are not even whispers on the wind. Life goes on. People do not see the pain inside. They are oblivious. My heart becomes to full. I can not hold it all in any longer and I spill. Not all of it but just a little and once again things do not remain the same. They are mad this time. Angry that I didn't talk to them sooner. I stop the flood from my soul and close it once again but the anger remains. They are angry that I do not share my heart but yet they speak no word to me when they are hurt. They expect my trust but give none to me in return. I trust very few so I turn away. Turn to someone else hoping a different out come. Hoping to trust.

me

Life is changing day by day
I can  feel things moving forward
Feel myself growing into who i want to be

I now work full time and am trying to save up for a couple things
the things people expect from me (a car, move out)
and the things I want for my self (get my book published)
all these things will take work to get to but I am ready to face the world
Ready to be who I was made to be
This is who I am
and I am glad for it

change in myself

I found some poems and old writing samples of mine from years ago
they are strange even to me
and they make me think, make me wonder
what was i thinking about then?
what was going on in my life?
none of them have dates on them
or any indicator of when they are from in my life
just a different time
a sadder time
when my mind was in a different place
and so was my heart
even though they are written from the same heart
they do not relate any more
they clash violently
as if written by two very different people
and i know i have changed over the years
but it is weird to see it in something so concrete
so different

Job

Not working is getting to me.
I can't stand being home so much.
I have enjoyed getting a chance to work on my writing
but i need a job. need something to do during the day.
if you hear of anywhere that is hireing
please let me know