family

I lay on my bed staring at the sealing wondering how it is that the world can turn and we can't feel it.
With every turn it brings change; new life or the loss of it and everything in between.
With those changes comes joy and hope or loss and fear.
I lay here wondering how anyone can take those things for granted.
Treat life its self as if it was a pointless object and not an amazing gift.
Go through your life risking your life for the attention of others.
Scare those who hold you close to the point they are scared to hold on any longer, although they can not let go. Not completely. Because even if they let you go in their mind you will always be in their heart.
A place that can not be filled by anything other then family.
The love for those closest even when they do not show their love back in the same way.
You may tell me you love me and say you need me but words are nothing without the actions that follow.
The actions that do not involve lying to make yourself look better
or manipulating people into standing up for you.
They are shown by being yourself and trusting that I wont care about your flaws and neither will your other friends.
Trusting that we wont judge you.
And trusting that if they do it is better to be yourself and know who your true friends are then lie and have no true friends at all.
Know that I will never judge you because you are family and you have a place in my heart even though I don't seem to be truly in yours and know that I am scared to hold on any longer because I can not bare to see how your life is going to play out if you stay on the path you have chosen.

Plans

So this weekend is big for me
and im excited
Im not sure yet what I am going to say
but Im looking forward to it
It is my next step
I am moving forward
and I couldn't be happier about this step

Loss

Through my life I have seen people come and go
and this seems to be helping me a lot now
I am one of the few people who can relate to others when they lose a friend at a young age
I know that no words are conforting but that knowing people are there makes all the difference
I am sorry for the loss of Aaron.
Barly out of highschool he past away
He never got the chance to truly live
He will be missed my many
and loved by all whos life he touched

I feel like screaming. I feel like dying.
I'm sick of people being angry at me for not trusting them with every detail of my personal life. It is my life and it is up to me to decide what to share and what to hide deep inside where only god can reach it. That is my choice and it is I who have to live with it not those around me and yet they dig and demand and scream for me to give them those things. The things of my most intimate being. Things I do not wish to share, and yet I do. I tell for fear of their anger. Fear that if I don't I could lose them. I share not wanting sympathy not wanting hugs just hoping my friend will remain. I spill my heart out and in return the sympathy is large and yet unwanted. Things change and life moves on. Things happen and I hide them inside once again knowing that nothing will come from sharing them. Telling a friend. or even screaming them out to the world. I hide them deep in my soul they are not even whispers on the wind. Life goes on. People do not see the pain inside. They are oblivious. My heart becomes to full. I can not hold it all in any longer and I spill. Not all of it but just a little and once again things do not remain the same. They are mad this time. Angry that I didn't talk to them sooner. I stop the flood from my soul and close it once again but the anger remains. They are angry that I do not share my heart but yet they speak no word to me when they are hurt. They expect my trust but give none to me in return. I trust very few so I turn away. Turn to someone else hoping a different out come. Hoping to trust.

me

Life is changing day by day
I can  feel things moving forward
Feel myself growing into who i want to be

I now work full time and am trying to save up for a couple things
the things people expect from me (a car, move out)
and the things I want for my self (get my book published)
all these things will take work to get to but I am ready to face the world
Ready to be who I was made to be
This is who I am
and I am glad for it

change in myself

I found some poems and old writing samples of mine from years ago
they are strange even to me
and they make me think, make me wonder
what was i thinking about then?
what was going on in my life?
none of them have dates on them
or any indicator of when they are from in my life
just a different time
a sadder time
when my mind was in a different place
and so was my heart
even though they are written from the same heart
they do not relate any more
they clash violently
as if written by two very different people
and i know i have changed over the years
but it is weird to see it in something so concrete
so different

Job

Not working is getting to me.
I can't stand being home so much.
I have enjoyed getting a chance to work on my writing
but i need a job. need something to do during the day.
if you hear of anywhere that is hireing
please let me know