Friendship

the phrase 'You don't know how much you have until it is gone' for so few words can relate to anyone, for everyone has lost something or even just been away from it for a while. I have been away from my life this week. My friends, most of my family and my day to day routine and I miss it. I miss the ability my friends have to keep me sane and my family has to show their unfaltering love. But the most surprising to me is i miss my work.  My day to day job at V.V. I miss the coworkers and the way that they are usually cheerful and can make me smile even when I'm upset and I miss the people who come in daily and will stand and talk to you until you smile. I never realized what a big part of my life they have become in such a short time. So here I sit waiting to get back to my life and I can't wait. I miss the weather and the people and the life that Langley offers.

thoughts

It came to my attention over coffee the other day just how little I have been writing lately, on here or anywhere else, and i miss it. I miss being able to just let the emotions from my heart flow into words on the paper before me. It is an amazing way for me to express my feeling and it takes away so much stress. The ability to write is an amazing gift and to not use it makes me feel like it is going to waste. Writing has always been an amazing hobby even before i was any good at it so I thought I would share some of my older stuff:

Ill tell you a little about each one first
This one was originally about a struggle i was having with myself because i feared showing who i was because of what people might think of me. It also use to end with mortality but i changed it because it is now part of the book i am writing:

Imprisoned

Slender beams of moonlight enter

this darkened chamber as i kneel

always sorrowful, always alone,

frozen here,

waiting.

Tortured forms wrough in panes of glass loom,

as dust dances in the air,

forming an image in my mind,

sparing not my darkens soul

Tears on my face.

I raise my head now kneeling before

my uncaring immortality.

I know this one has already been posted on my blog before but here is some background info for it. I wrote this when i was going through a hard time with my ex. their parents didn't want us seeing each other anymore because of something she told them about me and the distance made it impossible for us to get around there wishes but we really cared about each other:

Stolen Emotion

What have you done?

a fog of betrayal as emotions sleep

once we savored wander

untainted and hand in hand

but our thirst vanished

a sickened vision of memory

tears follow hate, follow pain

love condemned

in a burst of bitterness

I Still Love You!

and this last one is actually the first thing i had written on the novel that i have now finished so im not going to really explain this one:

I closed me eyes and tried to remember and with that thought sensations and feelings came flooding back.

I remembered knives cutting into the flesh on my shoulders and excruciating pain flooding my body.

I remembered being trapped in a pit, being able to see the sky but not reach it and having nowhere to run or hide.

I remembered escaping from the pit into a series of tunnels, hearing the endless screams and scrambling of feet behind me.

I remembered reaching the exit of the tunnel and being free in a wide open space. Fear built up inside of me as my heart pounded against my ribcage.

Where do i go now?

Where do I hide?

I began to run. Shock swept over me like a wave when i saw her. I remember her helping. leading me to a van with a weird symbol on the side. The same symbol I realized now that was on Sky's shirt.

More memories flooded my body taking me away from that thought. I remember climbing into the van and trying to explain.

Then nothing and impenetrable darkness filled with hate and sorrow. A hooded figure from my past always lingering. The hood suddenly began to fade and a mad stood before me. His postures and features were strangely familure, but how did I know him. He reminded me strangely of myself.

There was a difference though. it lingered in the air. Even though it looked like me I knew it wasn't. There was something evil about him. I couldn't be evil, could I?

bleh

Life is a beautyful thing
filled with friendship and love
along with loss and sorrow
both amazing things
for they show who we truly are
who we care about and
what our mark will be on the world
with all these things comes anger
an emotion i dont like to feel
for with it comes pain
for those who have it
or those around them
tis emotion has brought me so much pain
even when the anger comes without reason
without understanding or right of mind
this one emotion has finally broken me
taken me from the person i wanted to become
to someone who can not trust my own sister
a family member that has hurt me so many times
that it hurts to care for her any more
she has driven me over the edge
an edge that it will take a long time to climb back up to
from a point were i loved her and would do anything for her
to that where i dont know if i want to see her again
not now
not when everytime i do it comes with pain
pain i didn nothing to deserve
all i did was care and she has ripped that to shreds
and all of this is because one stupid liquid
one that poisons the mind and hurts the soul
one created by man for man
to kill the pain but only brings more
this one liquid can changes the person closest to you
into someone you dont even know
a complete stranger with the same face
someone you cant let go of because of the past
but dont want to see how you will be in their future
alchol
one thing so many people love
but i wish had never been created
it hurts all who consume it at some point or another
that pain is not worth anything good that can come from it

joy

I wish I had someone
Someone to stand by me
support me
love my flaws
love me
and know me
someone I could love
reach out to
and support in reture
someone who will stand up for me
in public
and not care what other people think
someone who will love me for me
while i can love them for who they are

someone I can share moments with
share my book being published when that day comes
share my dreams and hope with
and will be there with me when they some true

family

I lay on my bed staring at the sealing wondering how it is that the world can turn and we can't feel it.
With every turn it brings change; new life or the loss of it and everything in between.
With those changes comes joy and hope or loss and fear.
I lay here wondering how anyone can take those things for granted.
Treat life its self as if it was a pointless object and not an amazing gift.
Go through your life risking your life for the attention of others.
Scare those who hold you close to the point they are scared to hold on any longer, although they can not let go. Not completely. Because even if they let you go in their mind you will always be in their heart.
A place that can not be filled by anything other then family.
The love for those closest even when they do not show their love back in the same way.
You may tell me you love me and say you need me but words are nothing without the actions that follow.
The actions that do not involve lying to make yourself look better
or manipulating people into standing up for you.
They are shown by being yourself and trusting that I wont care about your flaws and neither will your other friends.
Trusting that we wont judge you.
And trusting that if they do it is better to be yourself and know who your true friends are then lie and have no true friends at all.
Know that I will never judge you because you are family and you have a place in my heart even though I don't seem to be truly in yours and know that I am scared to hold on any longer because I can not bare to see how your life is going to play out if you stay on the path you have chosen.

Plans

So this weekend is big for me
and im excited
Im not sure yet what I am going to say
but Im looking forward to it
It is my next step
I am moving forward
and I couldn't be happier about this step

Loss

Through my life I have seen people come and go
and this seems to be helping me a lot now
I am one of the few people who can relate to others when they lose a friend at a young age
I know that no words are conforting but that knowing people are there makes all the difference
I am sorry for the loss of Aaron.
Barly out of highschool he past away
He never got the chance to truly live
He will be missed my many
and loved by all whos life he touched

I feel like screaming. I feel like dying.
I'm sick of people being angry at me for not trusting them with every detail of my personal life. It is my life and it is up to me to decide what to share and what to hide deep inside where only god can reach it. That is my choice and it is I who have to live with it not those around me and yet they dig and demand and scream for me to give them those things. The things of my most intimate being. Things I do not wish to share, and yet I do. I tell for fear of their anger. Fear that if I don't I could lose them. I share not wanting sympathy not wanting hugs just hoping my friend will remain. I spill my heart out and in return the sympathy is large and yet unwanted. Things change and life moves on. Things happen and I hide them inside once again knowing that nothing will come from sharing them. Telling a friend. or even screaming them out to the world. I hide them deep in my soul they are not even whispers on the wind. Life goes on. People do not see the pain inside. They are oblivious. My heart becomes to full. I can not hold it all in any longer and I spill. Not all of it but just a little and once again things do not remain the same. They are mad this time. Angry that I didn't talk to them sooner. I stop the flood from my soul and close it once again but the anger remains. They are angry that I do not share my heart but yet they speak no word to me when they are hurt. They expect my trust but give none to me in return. I trust very few so I turn away. Turn to someone else hoping a different out come. Hoping to trust.

me

Life is changing day by day
I can  feel things moving forward
Feel myself growing into who i want to be

I now work full time and am trying to save up for a couple things
the things people expect from me (a car, move out)
and the things I want for my self (get my book published)
all these things will take work to get to but I am ready to face the world
Ready to be who I was made to be
This is who I am
and I am glad for it

change in myself

I found some poems and old writing samples of mine from years ago
they are strange even to me
and they make me think, make me wonder
what was i thinking about then?
what was going on in my life?
none of them have dates on them
or any indicator of when they are from in my life
just a different time
a sadder time
when my mind was in a different place
and so was my heart
even though they are written from the same heart
they do not relate any more
they clash violently
as if written by two very different people
and i know i have changed over the years
but it is weird to see it in something so concrete
so different

Job

Not working is getting to me.
I can't stand being home so much.
I have enjoyed getting a chance to work on my writing
but i need a job. need something to do during the day.
if you hear of anywhere that is hireing
please let me know

Amazing food

I went to my brother's restaurant yesterday
It was amazing (and I don't just say that because he is my brother)
If you ever have a chance you should check it out
It is called Lava Dining and Lounge
It is in Maple ridge on Dewdney trunk road at 225th

Job

I finally have a job interview tomorrow after all this time
It is at value village and i applied for full time
I hope I get it

I have never posted things on here that aren't written from my own heart so this is a first
this song is amazing and the words are strong so i felt like sharing it.
It is by Bon Jovi and it is called Thank You For Loving Me


It's hard for me to say the things
I want to say sometimes
There's no one here but you and me
And that broken old street light

Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I

Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes when I couldn't see for
Parting my lips when I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

I never knew I had a dream
Until that dream was you
When I look into your eyes
The sky's a different blue

Cross my heart
I wear no disguise
If I tried, you'd make believe
That you believed my lies

Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes when I couldn't see
For parting my lips when I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me, yeah

Lock the doors
Leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I

Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes oh, when I couldn't see
You parted my lips when I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

When I couldn't fly
Oh, you gave me wings
You parted my lips when I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me
Oh for loving me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eesZBfTj0cU

Story of Good and Evil

I have been writing a story for years now
It started out as a simple thing
I didnt like writing but it was a way to express myself and pass the time
It has now turned into a amazing story and a huge hobby
Now nearing the hundred page mark it is almost complete
The editing is close behind
The idea of it being done scares me
I have put so many years of my life into it
Now that the time nears for me to try and get it published, I falter, I shake
I think to myself, what if no one likes it, what if it isn't as good as i hope for it to be
Then i think they are all what Ifs and I will never know unless i try
And although I still falter, still shake I have found my goal
What I want to do and want to accomplish in my life
Even if it isnt a lot to someone else it is to me
And thats what makes me who I am
That's what make me me

...

i haven't written in a while so i have a lot that goes unsaid.
i shared my story and i think it went well
but it changed my relationship with a couple people
some for the good and some im not so sure
my life has changed so much over ther years
and i am happy were i stand
i just wish i knew were the others stood around me

Life

I have writen out my story
put my life in to words to share.
I soon will lay my self on the line infront of my friends
and i pray they will understand
who i am and how i became me
life has always changed so i cant put in everything
i had lots of good times as a kid
sadly none of them affected me as strongly as the others
is it the sad and hard things in my past
it is those that have made me who i am
i respect those that  have had it easy
those who cant related to all that i have to share
but i am happy with what i have to share
i have had a lot thrown at me
and i have grown through it
become stronger
strong enough to fight for myself
and strong enough to want to fight with my friends
along side them
to find a life worth admiring
worth living
and do everything i am meant to do
through will power
strength and guidence
i will find a way

Story

I got asked to tell my story at youth.
I think it is a great opportunity but the idea scares me.
I have always been good at talking.
But never about my self.
What will people think?
Will they judge me differently from my past?
I don't want to be afraid of my past anymore but at times i just can't help it.
Everyone is shaped from there past.
Will people still see me or who they think I should have become.
The people at youth are the most nonjudgmental people I know.
But that fear is still there.
I trust them and i want them to know the true me.
I have had my trust broken but I can't use that excuse to block people out.
I have to trust again.
God give me the words to show who i truly am.

Sam

Every time i here this song i think of you.
The first person i gave my heart to without question.
The only person to try and stand by me no matter what.
I know I have to move on and I have in so many ways.
I still miss you every day.
It was the small things you did that mattered.
The way you hugged me when i was upset.
The way you held my hand not caring what other people would think.
It was these thing i charished the most.
And it is these things that i will always miss.
You are not in my life anymore but you will always be in my heart.
You changed my life so much and i would give it all back so you could  live another day.
You had an amazing soul and an amazing heart.
So this is for you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELkWIGOxPyk

Silence

Silence is the purest sound.
Through silence we learn to listen to the smallest sounds that can be the most important.
By wiping out the sounds we can control, the world around us becomes more real.
Only in silence can we find hope.
Find anything that we are looking for.
But what is it that we are looking for?
Faith? Love?
Who knows the answer to this question?
Human? God? Or something else?
It is only in silence that we can search for that answer.
And only in silence that it will be given.

Stolen Love

This is to Sam
Where ever you are out there my heart is still with you.
<3<3<3<3<3<3

What have you done?
A fog of betrayal as emotions sleep.
Once we savoured wander,
Untainted and hand in hand.
But our thirst vanished.
A sickened vision of memory.
Tears follow hate follow pain.
Love Condemned.
In a burts of bitterness,
I Still Love You!

Love

I dont know how to tell you how i feel.
You are a dear friend and I dont want to endanger that.
But when you hug me i feel safe.
Safe from anything life throws at me.
Safe even from my past.
and i love that feeling,
even though i hate to admit it.

RIP

my grandma past away a couple weeks ago and i got a ring today
a ring that she had left behind for me
it is a solid thing to remind me of the amazing life she lives
my memories with he i will always remember
and the ring i will always hold close to my heart
her will was strong and she incoraged me in whatever i set my heart to
she was an amazing woman
who affected the lives of many
and will be missed by all.
may she rest in piece
<3

Globalization

Each night brings hope for a new day.
A day where life will be good.
Were people will be united world wide with the desire to do good to each other.
No more war,
Or hate,
Or murder.
Each night brings this hope
And each day does not deliver.
Globalization apparently is happening.
Yet there is still racism and stereotyping because people just don't understand.
People feel the need to go to war and fight for their country against a threat they aren't even Sure is there.
A threat that could very well have just been started as a rumor.
When will we start sticking up for what we believe in in a way that doesn't involve death.
When will the strong start standing by those who cant stand for themselves.
People are broken and shattered.
And yet we live,
We grow,
And that night still brings hope of a better day.
A new tomorrow

love and loss

Loss now seems inevitable.
It is a common thing now for people to feel a loss of everyone or everything.
Love has become a word thrown around as if without meaning.
Yet it is a word that holds more meaning then any other,
And it alone can bring someone to their knees.
Why has life become such a complicated thing?
Why has love lost all meaning?
Love never lasts.
With every loss of love its meaning fades.
People now have lost how to make sense of the lives they live.
The only way to escape this fate if to find a love that is never lost.
A love that will lead us from the Pain.
Lead us through out Own lives.
Away to a place of understanding.
A way to live a life all ours and in doing so honor Him.
Our one savior.
The one love that will out shine the ages.
Through him we will find Understanding,
Find Light,
And Love,
And Hope.