bleh

Life is a beautyful thing
filled with friendship and love
along with loss and sorrow
both amazing things
for they show who we truly are
who we care about and
what our mark will be on the world
with all these things comes anger
an emotion i dont like to feel
for with it comes pain
for those who have it
or those around them
tis emotion has brought me so much pain
even when the anger comes without reason
without understanding or right of mind
this one emotion has finally broken me
taken me from the person i wanted to become
to someone who can not trust my own sister
a family member that has hurt me so many times
that it hurts to care for her any more
she has driven me over the edge
an edge that it will take a long time to climb back up to
from a point were i loved her and would do anything for her
to that where i dont know if i want to see her again
not now
not when everytime i do it comes with pain
pain i didn nothing to deserve
all i did was care and she has ripped that to shreds
and all of this is because one stupid liquid
one that poisons the mind and hurts the soul
one created by man for man
to kill the pain but only brings more
this one liquid can changes the person closest to you
into someone you dont even know
a complete stranger with the same face
someone you cant let go of because of the past
but dont want to see how you will be in their future
alchol
one thing so many people love
but i wish had never been created
it hurts all who consume it at some point or another
that pain is not worth anything good that can come from it

joy

I wish I had someone
Someone to stand by me
support me
love my flaws
love me
and know me
someone I could love
reach out to
and support in reture
someone who will stand up for me
in public
and not care what other people think
someone who will love me for me
while i can love them for who they are

someone I can share moments with
share my book being published when that day comes
share my dreams and hope with
and will be there with me when they some true

family

I lay on my bed staring at the sealing wondering how it is that the world can turn and we can't feel it.
With every turn it brings change; new life or the loss of it and everything in between.
With those changes comes joy and hope or loss and fear.
I lay here wondering how anyone can take those things for granted.
Treat life its self as if it was a pointless object and not an amazing gift.
Go through your life risking your life for the attention of others.
Scare those who hold you close to the point they are scared to hold on any longer, although they can not let go. Not completely. Because even if they let you go in their mind you will always be in their heart.
A place that can not be filled by anything other then family.
The love for those closest even when they do not show their love back in the same way.
You may tell me you love me and say you need me but words are nothing without the actions that follow.
The actions that do not involve lying to make yourself look better
or manipulating people into standing up for you.
They are shown by being yourself and trusting that I wont care about your flaws and neither will your other friends.
Trusting that we wont judge you.
And trusting that if they do it is better to be yourself and know who your true friends are then lie and have no true friends at all.
Know that I will never judge you because you are family and you have a place in my heart even though I don't seem to be truly in yours and know that I am scared to hold on any longer because I can not bare to see how your life is going to play out if you stay on the path you have chosen.

Plans

So this weekend is big for me
and im excited
Im not sure yet what I am going to say
but Im looking forward to it
It is my next step
I am moving forward
and I couldn't be happier about this step

Loss

Through my life I have seen people come and go
and this seems to be helping me a lot now
I am one of the few people who can relate to others when they lose a friend at a young age
I know that no words are conforting but that knowing people are there makes all the difference
I am sorry for the loss of Aaron.
Barly out of highschool he past away
He never got the chance to truly live
He will be missed my many
and loved by all whos life he touched

I feel like screaming. I feel like dying.
I'm sick of people being angry at me for not trusting them with every detail of my personal life. It is my life and it is up to me to decide what to share and what to hide deep inside where only god can reach it. That is my choice and it is I who have to live with it not those around me and yet they dig and demand and scream for me to give them those things. The things of my most intimate being. Things I do not wish to share, and yet I do. I tell for fear of their anger. Fear that if I don't I could lose them. I share not wanting sympathy not wanting hugs just hoping my friend will remain. I spill my heart out and in return the sympathy is large and yet unwanted. Things change and life moves on. Things happen and I hide them inside once again knowing that nothing will come from sharing them. Telling a friend. or even screaming them out to the world. I hide them deep in my soul they are not even whispers on the wind. Life goes on. People do not see the pain inside. They are oblivious. My heart becomes to full. I can not hold it all in any longer and I spill. Not all of it but just a little and once again things do not remain the same. They are mad this time. Angry that I didn't talk to them sooner. I stop the flood from my soul and close it once again but the anger remains. They are angry that I do not share my heart but yet they speak no word to me when they are hurt. They expect my trust but give none to me in return. I trust very few so I turn away. Turn to someone else hoping a different out come. Hoping to trust.

me

Life is changing day by day
I can  feel things moving forward
Feel myself growing into who i want to be

I now work full time and am trying to save up for a couple things
the things people expect from me (a car, move out)
and the things I want for my self (get my book published)
all these things will take work to get to but I am ready to face the world
Ready to be who I was made to be
This is who I am
and I am glad for it