thoughts

It came to my attention over coffee the other day just how little I have been writing lately, on here or anywhere else, and i miss it. I miss being able to just let the emotions from my heart flow into words on the paper before me. It is an amazing way for me to express my feeling and it takes away so much stress. The ability to write is an amazing gift and to not use it makes me feel like it is going to waste. Writing has always been an amazing hobby even before i was any good at it so I thought I would share some of my older stuff:

Ill tell you a little about each one first
This one was originally about a struggle i was having with myself because i feared showing who i was because of what people might think of me. It also use to end with mortality but i changed it because it is now part of the book i am writing:

Imprisoned

Slender beams of moonlight enter

this darkened chamber as i kneel

always sorrowful, always alone,

frozen here,

waiting.

Tortured forms wrough in panes of glass loom,

as dust dances in the air,

forming an image in my mind,

sparing not my darkens soul

Tears on my face.

I raise my head now kneeling before

my uncaring immortality.

I know this one has already been posted on my blog before but here is some background info for it. I wrote this when i was going through a hard time with my ex. their parents didn't want us seeing each other anymore because of something she told them about me and the distance made it impossible for us to get around there wishes but we really cared about each other:

Stolen Emotion

What have you done?

a fog of betrayal as emotions sleep

once we savored wander

untainted and hand in hand

but our thirst vanished

a sickened vision of memory

tears follow hate, follow pain

love condemned

in a burst of bitterness

I Still Love You!

and this last one is actually the first thing i had written on the novel that i have now finished so im not going to really explain this one:

I closed me eyes and tried to remember and with that thought sensations and feelings came flooding back.

I remembered knives cutting into the flesh on my shoulders and excruciating pain flooding my body.

I remembered being trapped in a pit, being able to see the sky but not reach it and having nowhere to run or hide.

I remembered escaping from the pit into a series of tunnels, hearing the endless screams and scrambling of feet behind me.

I remembered reaching the exit of the tunnel and being free in a wide open space. Fear built up inside of me as my heart pounded against my ribcage.

Where do i go now?

Where do I hide?

I began to run. Shock swept over me like a wave when i saw her. I remember her helping. leading me to a van with a weird symbol on the side. The same symbol I realized now that was on Sky's shirt.

More memories flooded my body taking me away from that thought. I remember climbing into the van and trying to explain.

Then nothing and impenetrable darkness filled with hate and sorrow. A hooded figure from my past always lingering. The hood suddenly began to fade and a mad stood before me. His postures and features were strangely familure, but how did I know him. He reminded me strangely of myself.

There was a difference though. it lingered in the air. Even though it looked like me I knew it wasn't. There was something evil about him. I couldn't be evil, could I?

bleh

Life is a beautyful thing
filled with friendship and love
along with loss and sorrow
both amazing things
for they show who we truly are
who we care about and
what our mark will be on the world
with all these things comes anger
an emotion i dont like to feel
for with it comes pain
for those who have it
or those around them
tis emotion has brought me so much pain
even when the anger comes without reason
without understanding or right of mind
this one emotion has finally broken me
taken me from the person i wanted to become
to someone who can not trust my own sister
a family member that has hurt me so many times
that it hurts to care for her any more
she has driven me over the edge
an edge that it will take a long time to climb back up to
from a point were i loved her and would do anything for her
to that where i dont know if i want to see her again
not now
not when everytime i do it comes with pain
pain i didn nothing to deserve
all i did was care and she has ripped that to shreds
and all of this is because one stupid liquid
one that poisons the mind and hurts the soul
one created by man for man
to kill the pain but only brings more
this one liquid can changes the person closest to you
into someone you dont even know
a complete stranger with the same face
someone you cant let go of because of the past
but dont want to see how you will be in their future
alchol
one thing so many people love
but i wish had never been created
it hurts all who consume it at some point or another
that pain is not worth anything good that can come from it

joy

I wish I had someone
Someone to stand by me
support me
love my flaws
love me
and know me
someone I could love
reach out to
and support in reture
someone who will stand up for me
in public
and not care what other people think
someone who will love me for me
while i can love them for who they are

someone I can share moments with
share my book being published when that day comes
share my dreams and hope with
and will be there with me when they some true

family

I lay on my bed staring at the sealing wondering how it is that the world can turn and we can't feel it.
With every turn it brings change; new life or the loss of it and everything in between.
With those changes comes joy and hope or loss and fear.
I lay here wondering how anyone can take those things for granted.
Treat life its self as if it was a pointless object and not an amazing gift.
Go through your life risking your life for the attention of others.
Scare those who hold you close to the point they are scared to hold on any longer, although they can not let go. Not completely. Because even if they let you go in their mind you will always be in their heart.
A place that can not be filled by anything other then family.
The love for those closest even when they do not show their love back in the same way.
You may tell me you love me and say you need me but words are nothing without the actions that follow.
The actions that do not involve lying to make yourself look better
or manipulating people into standing up for you.
They are shown by being yourself and trusting that I wont care about your flaws and neither will your other friends.
Trusting that we wont judge you.
And trusting that if they do it is better to be yourself and know who your true friends are then lie and have no true friends at all.
Know that I will never judge you because you are family and you have a place in my heart even though I don't seem to be truly in yours and know that I am scared to hold on any longer because I can not bare to see how your life is going to play out if you stay on the path you have chosen.

Plans

So this weekend is big for me
and im excited
Im not sure yet what I am going to say
but Im looking forward to it
It is my next step
I am moving forward
and I couldn't be happier about this step

Loss

Through my life I have seen people come and go
and this seems to be helping me a lot now
I am one of the few people who can relate to others when they lose a friend at a young age
I know that no words are conforting but that knowing people are there makes all the difference
I am sorry for the loss of Aaron.
Barly out of highschool he past away
He never got the chance to truly live
He will be missed my many
and loved by all whos life he touched

I feel like screaming. I feel like dying.
I'm sick of people being angry at me for not trusting them with every detail of my personal life. It is my life and it is up to me to decide what to share and what to hide deep inside where only god can reach it. That is my choice and it is I who have to live with it not those around me and yet they dig and demand and scream for me to give them those things. The things of my most intimate being. Things I do not wish to share, and yet I do. I tell for fear of their anger. Fear that if I don't I could lose them. I share not wanting sympathy not wanting hugs just hoping my friend will remain. I spill my heart out and in return the sympathy is large and yet unwanted. Things change and life moves on. Things happen and I hide them inside once again knowing that nothing will come from sharing them. Telling a friend. or even screaming them out to the world. I hide them deep in my soul they are not even whispers on the wind. Life goes on. People do not see the pain inside. They are oblivious. My heart becomes to full. I can not hold it all in any longer and I spill. Not all of it but just a little and once again things do not remain the same. They are mad this time. Angry that I didn't talk to them sooner. I stop the flood from my soul and close it once again but the anger remains. They are angry that I do not share my heart but yet they speak no word to me when they are hurt. They expect my trust but give none to me in return. I trust very few so I turn away. Turn to someone else hoping a different out come. Hoping to trust.