Quote

A woman from my work asked be if i new of any interesting books to read and like a thought that was not my own a book came to mind. A book that I feel is very powerful. It is not a story but is written just as if the author was talking straight to the reader. I had a copy of it at home and offered for her to borrow it. As the day progressed at work one quote kept running though my head. I thought over every line of it and the power behind each word. What gets me most is on my way home the quote was lost to my mind like it hadn't been me keeping it there all day. I could remember bits a pieces but not the whole thing. like a broken puzzle needing to be put back together. When i got home I looked it up:
"The good news is that we don't have to become gods to become something worth living, worth respecting, worth valuing. Don't let your short comings and flaws convince you that you need to become something other than human. Our brokenness is not proof that god could not or would not love us, but proof that what we need is a God who both created us and loves us. What our souls long to become is not something other than human, but to become beautifully human. (entry 14 - Destiny, Soul Cravings)
This one quote has changed my life in so many ways and has lifted my spirits at so many different times.

Ross

I find my mind wandering.
Thought of you empowering my heart.
I was compete when I met you but you brought compassion and warmth to my life.
I allowed your love to enter, your truth, compassion and loyalties to cross the bridge to my heart and make it whole.
Please don't misconstrue my caution for hesitation because you have my heart.
You are my heart.
Without you I would be lost.
Once I could not imagine you in my life,
now I can't imagine life without you.
Your smile, your touch, speaks volumes to the beat of my heart.
I get butterflies at the thought of you, the mention of your name and breathless when I see you.
I want a chance to know your inner thoughts, your heart.
You are my sunset and sunrise.
The epitome of perfection disguised as imperfection with all its beautiful flaws.
You are all that I want, all that I need, even better than a dream.
When I look at you I see my future, Your sweet surrender given in my passionate kiss.
I can feel your love with every touch.
Like a beautiful masterpiece this goes deeper than art, behind every painting there is a reason to start.


(The last line is a quote from somewhere I'm not sure where. So it is not mine to take credit for)

Song

this song I feel is so powerful so I felt I would share it...


Dear Mr. President,
Come take a walk with me.
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me.
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly.

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?
What do you feel when you look in the mirror?
Are you proud?

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why?

Dear Mr. President,
Were you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
How can you say
No child is left behind?
We're not dumb and we're not blind.
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pave the road to hell.

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine.

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye?

Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
Oh

How do you sleep at night?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Dear Mr. President,
You'd never take a walk with me.
Would you?

2011

I sat at coffee with a friend the other day and we discussed what has been going on in my life. This year has brought with it so many new things. New questions, new thoughts and new emotions.
Questions about people and whether they can truly change:
I received a phone call the other day from a friends parent. someone that I have never had a conversation with before but who has changed my life drastically by bad things that he has done in his life. It was nice to see that people do try and change but at the same time it broke me because even though he was apologizing for all that he had done it would not change the past no matter how much he wishes it could.
New thoughts about the future and what I want to do with my life:
I applied for school this week at a school to become a youth worker but I don't know how my parents will deal with it. It is a bible school and my mom is atheist. I really hope I get in though and that my mom can get past that and support me in my choice to go there.
And last new emotions:
I have a new boy friend and I have fallen for him hard. He is amazing and a complete sweet heart but it is so hard. I am scared to care for him like I did Sam and I know there is a high chance that will happen. When I look into his eyes all that fear dissipates into a warm feeling. A feeling that makes me feel wanted and makes me okay with wanting him.
I look forward to the year to come with eyes held wide open with both fear and excitement

Friendship

the phrase 'You don't know how much you have until it is gone' for so few words can relate to anyone, for everyone has lost something or even just been away from it for a while. I have been away from my life this week. My friends, most of my family and my day to day routine and I miss it. I miss the ability my friends have to keep me sane and my family has to show their unfaltering love. But the most surprising to me is i miss my work.  My day to day job at V.V. I miss the coworkers and the way that they are usually cheerful and can make me smile even when I'm upset and I miss the people who come in daily and will stand and talk to you until you smile. I never realized what a big part of my life they have become in such a short time. So here I sit waiting to get back to my life and I can't wait. I miss the weather and the people and the life that Langley offers.

thoughts

It came to my attention over coffee the other day just how little I have been writing lately, on here or anywhere else, and i miss it. I miss being able to just let the emotions from my heart flow into words on the paper before me. It is an amazing way for me to express my feeling and it takes away so much stress. The ability to write is an amazing gift and to not use it makes me feel like it is going to waste. Writing has always been an amazing hobby even before i was any good at it so I thought I would share some of my older stuff:

Ill tell you a little about each one first
This one was originally about a struggle i was having with myself because i feared showing who i was because of what people might think of me. It also use to end with mortality but i changed it because it is now part of the book i am writing:

Imprisoned

Slender beams of moonlight enter

this darkened chamber as i kneel

always sorrowful, always alone,

frozen here,

waiting.

Tortured forms wrough in panes of glass loom,

as dust dances in the air,

forming an image in my mind,

sparing not my darkens soul

Tears on my face.

I raise my head now kneeling before

my uncaring immortality.

I know this one has already been posted on my blog before but here is some background info for it. I wrote this when i was going through a hard time with my ex. their parents didn't want us seeing each other anymore because of something she told them about me and the distance made it impossible for us to get around there wishes but we really cared about each other:

Stolen Emotion

What have you done?

a fog of betrayal as emotions sleep

once we savored wander

untainted and hand in hand

but our thirst vanished

a sickened vision of memory

tears follow hate, follow pain

love condemned

in a burst of bitterness

I Still Love You!

and this last one is actually the first thing i had written on the novel that i have now finished so im not going to really explain this one:

I closed me eyes and tried to remember and with that thought sensations and feelings came flooding back.

I remembered knives cutting into the flesh on my shoulders and excruciating pain flooding my body.

I remembered being trapped in a pit, being able to see the sky but not reach it and having nowhere to run or hide.

I remembered escaping from the pit into a series of tunnels, hearing the endless screams and scrambling of feet behind me.

I remembered reaching the exit of the tunnel and being free in a wide open space. Fear built up inside of me as my heart pounded against my ribcage.

Where do i go now?

Where do I hide?

I began to run. Shock swept over me like a wave when i saw her. I remember her helping. leading me to a van with a weird symbol on the side. The same symbol I realized now that was on Sky's shirt.

More memories flooded my body taking me away from that thought. I remember climbing into the van and trying to explain.

Then nothing and impenetrable darkness filled with hate and sorrow. A hooded figure from my past always lingering. The hood suddenly began to fade and a mad stood before me. His postures and features were strangely familure, but how did I know him. He reminded me strangely of myself.

There was a difference though. it lingered in the air. Even though it looked like me I knew it wasn't. There was something evil about him. I couldn't be evil, could I?

bleh

Life is a beautyful thing
filled with friendship and love
along with loss and sorrow
both amazing things
for they show who we truly are
who we care about and
what our mark will be on the world
with all these things comes anger
an emotion i dont like to feel
for with it comes pain
for those who have it
or those around them
tis emotion has brought me so much pain
even when the anger comes without reason
without understanding or right of mind
this one emotion has finally broken me
taken me from the person i wanted to become
to someone who can not trust my own sister
a family member that has hurt me so many times
that it hurts to care for her any more
she has driven me over the edge
an edge that it will take a long time to climb back up to
from a point were i loved her and would do anything for her
to that where i dont know if i want to see her again
not now
not when everytime i do it comes with pain
pain i didn nothing to deserve
all i did was care and she has ripped that to shreds
and all of this is because one stupid liquid
one that poisons the mind and hurts the soul
one created by man for man
to kill the pain but only brings more
this one liquid can changes the person closest to you
into someone you dont even know
a complete stranger with the same face
someone you cant let go of because of the past
but dont want to see how you will be in their future
alchol
one thing so many people love
but i wish had never been created
it hurts all who consume it at some point or another
that pain is not worth anything good that can come from it